Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
