so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
