So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
