I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
