I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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