Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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