Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
