There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
