i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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