There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
