you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
