Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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