just come out here and I will go home with you...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
