theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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