I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
