There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
