Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Randomize
