Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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