Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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