I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
