So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
