Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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