I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
