i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
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I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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