Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Damn victory sex feels great
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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