I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
