Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
