my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
