there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
