I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
