...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
