we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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