So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
