I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
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Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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