my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
