I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
