I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
