I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
