It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
