I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
