Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
