How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
