I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
