Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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