Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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