remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You dont lie about slip and slides
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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