zippers are such a cool invention
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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