I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
