I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
