hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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