I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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