I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
