There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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