tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
