Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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