I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
