I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Less talking, more tequila
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
