my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
