Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
